You've found Father McKenzie. But are you really looking for Eleanor Rigby?

Friday, March 10, 2006

NOT THE SAME JAY-DUB AS THE PLAINTIFF IN PRINCE v MASSACHUSETTS...

Update [3]: Gene M Bridges at Triablogue wonders "what it means for a Jehovah's Witness to convert to Islam?"

Update [2]: Apparently there has been some rapprochment between at least one famous Jehovah's Witness and the Vatican.

Update [1]: Speaking of Watchtower mindslaves, this piece of fatuousness in the Weekend Australian IKEA catalogue colour magazine (11 September 2004, p 8), commenting on a photo of Jacko (flanked by sisters LaToya and Jackson, and all wearing white suits) turning up for his pre-trial hearing at the Santa Maria courthouse:

"Note the use of the [T]rinity, a holy Christian symbol," says Jasmin Martin, body language expert. "Michael is flanked by his two sisters..."

NOT THE SAME JAY-DUB AS THE PLAINTIFF IN PRINCE v MASSACHUSETTS ... Catholic blogger Sean Gallagher links to an interesting news item; that Prince -- yes, The Artist Formerly Known As, the "Purple Rain" guy -- has converted to Jehovah's Witness-ism, taking it seriously enough to have gone out doorknocking for the cause. Larry Graham, former bass player for Sly and the Family Stone, goes with him.

Just was is it with African-American pop stars and the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society? There's also Michael Jackson and George Benson. (And in the Trinitarian camp of those who believe that Jesus Christ and the Archangel Michael are the same, Little Richard is now an ordained Seventh-Day Adventist minister.)

One intriguing sideline is that a Jewish couple complained because they let Prince and Graham inside, thinking they wanted to use their home as a video set, but then the ditheistic duo "start[ed] on this Jehovah's Witness stuff." Contrary to the Jay-Dubs' much-repeated belief that the Trinity is the biggest stumbling block against Jewish and Muslim acceptance of Christianity -- they like to [mis]quote Catholic theologian Hans Küng's statement that "Even well-informed Muslims simply cannot follow, as the Jews thus far have likewise failed to grasp, the idea of the Trinity" (from Christianity and the World Religions, quoted in Should You Believe the Trinity?, Watchtower publication) -- there is, it seems, no love lost among the small-U unitarian branches of Abrahamic monotheism:

* '... Eduardo Campos, a 62-year-old Uruguayan immigrant married to an Israeli, whom ultra-Orthodox Jews tried to get fired from his job at the Vita food company [in Israel] merely because he is a Jehovah's Witness ...' -- Daniel Lazare, "The One-State Solution", The Nation (3 November 2003).

* 'The death by beheading of two Jehovah's Witnesses captured by bandits connected with the Abu Sayyaf Muslim separatists is part of a "jihad" against Christians in the southern Philippines, the military believes. ... A letter was found from one of the heads warning that those who do not believe in Allah will suffer the same fate. They said what they did was jihad," said Brigadier-General Romeo Tolentino.' -- Kimina Lyall, "Beheading of Christians 'a jihad'", , The Australian (23 August 2002).

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial

WASHINGTON, DC—In an attempt to gain support among idle and sleepless Americans, the Bush Administration made its case for the continuing war in Iraq in a one-hour paid program that premiered early Tuesday morning.

(snip)

The infomercial was interspersed with glowing pretaped testimonials from coalition partners, American soldiers, and Iraqi business leaders. Australian Prime Minister John Howard was particularly kinetic in his endorsement of the Iraq war plan.

"Don and Linda, I'm here to let you in on the world's best-kept secret," said a wide-eyed, floral-shirted Howard from the beautiful Dunk Island resort off the coast of Cairns, Australia. "The strategy for victory in Iraq is working! Last January, Iraqis went to the polls and elected leaders for a transitional government and drafted a working constitution establishing unheard-of rights for the people of Iraq! And in December, they elected representatives to the National Assembly!"

"Amazing!" Howard added, arms outstretched.

Berlin, Paris outraged

According to Obi-L,

“...the mujahideen, by the grace of Allah, have been able to penetrate time after time all the security procedures undertaken by the oppressive countries of the alliance as evidence by what you have seen, in terms of bombings in the capital of the most important European states.”

Representatives fom Germany and France reject the implication that their capitals are not as important as those capitals that have already suffered attacks from al-Qaida, and look forward to attention from the international terrorist mastermind soon.

Madrid and London have no comment.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

"But what about the CHILDREN?"

[UPDATE 2:

'The Web site of Ms Magazine – yes, it still exists – is calling on readers to sign a petition: “I have had an abortion. I publicly join the millions of women in the United States who have had an abortion in demanding a repeal of laws that restrict women’s reproductive freedom." Well, so much for the right to privacy. If Ms readers hadn’t had so many abortions, there might be more Ms readers...'

- Julia Gorin, "Petitioning for Life," Wall Street Journal (17 August 2006)

UPDATE 1: It appears that some religious groups, but not others, are permitted to have a view on the morality of abortion.

================================================================

'Lyn Allison was 18 when she found out she was pregnant. Living in Fairfield, Victoria, in the 1960s, the idea of being an unmarried mother was a burden too great for her family to bear. As the Democrats leader revealed in the Senate last night: "An estimated one in three women have had an abortion, and I am one of them." [...] Senator Allison explained her decision to the [Sydney Morning] Herald: "I came from a very conservative family and for them the shame of having a child out of wedlock was unacceptable... I lived near an unmarried mothers' home and they were out of sight in what was effectively an institution. That was never going to be a prospect for me." Her family knew, and her GP referred her, an act that would have been illegal at the time. Having a child at 18 would have changed her life in ways she was not prepared to contemplate. "I probably wouldn't be here [in the Senate]," she said...'

-- Stephanie Peatling, "Revelation adds to emotional debate", Sydney Morning Herald (9 February 2006)

Perhaps not, Senator. On the other hand, there might be one more 40[?]-year-old Democrat voter alive today, to help your party stave off its impending electoral extinction.

Unfortunately for the pro-aborts, in a political system based (assuming that Australia can continue to stave off the imposition of a Bill of Rights) on universal adult suffrage, there's no way around the brute mathematics of "I'm pro-life and I vote... and so do all my kids", no matter how often they repeat the chanted mantra of "Not the Church/ not the state/ Let the Woman/ decide her fate". It is not necessary for the pro-life side to chant back "Children's lives don't/ belong to others/ Not their fathers/ Not their mothers". We just have to be the ones who have children. (With the caveat that you don't of course, have like, fifteen or sixteen kids so they grow up unfed and unclothed and get so pissed off with their deprived "pro-life" upbringing that they turn your society into another Italy, France, Ireland or Quebec in a single generation.)

Having had much experience in my youth with student politicians, I always simply assume that at least half of our MPs at any given time have either aborted a child (if female) or have sired an aborted child (if male). This cuts across Left-Right lines, since the logic of easy abortion is as highly appealing to the Party of Lust as it is to the Party of Greed.

Perhaps we can have similarly rational and impartial debates about the merits of other controversial social policies? Hmmm... "When I was 18, I called an effeminate schoolmate of mine a 'faggot'. The Bill before this House today, by outlawing vilification on the grounds of sexual orientation, would have made me -- and thousands of others like me -- a criminal! A law-breaker! But I'm a law-abiding citizen! Therefore, if what I did would conflict with the law, then the law must be wrong!..." And of course, society is still locking up young unmarried mothers, in what is effectively an institution, just like in Lyn Allison's youth, to brutally punish them for having sex out of wedlock.

I don't really expect much more than this from the Democrats (although I do hope Natasha Stott-Despoja took care to turn down the TV sound in case her baby son [1] hears her telling the world "Mummy might have had you chopped up by the doctor if you'd been inconvenient for her lifestyle"), or from Julia Gillard. But Fiona Nash? One of the few redeeming traits of the Nationals used to be their much-trumpeted attachment to Christian values. If they want to become the party of selfishness on children's rights, as well as tariffs, subsidies and taxes, then to hell with them.

Having said that, the pro-life side seems to be putting a lot of energy into a battle over an essentially short-term and symbolic question: whether it is the Health Minister, or an appointed govt board, that can give final approval to the abortion pill. Even if they win, it could well turn out a pyrrhic victory: Tony Abbott (who seems, given his views on abortion and the monarchy, to be undecided as to whether a person's chances in life should depend on whether they're lucky to be conceived in the right womb) won't be Health Minister forever. As Jackie Kelly noted during the debate, "if you don't like our [current] Health Minister, look in three years' time you can get [Labor's] Julia Gillard as Health Minister."

Moreover, I disagree with the anti-RU486 tack of framing opposition in terms of concern for the woman's health. Not because I want women to bleed to death as punishment for procuring at-home abortions, but because they have voluntarily assumed the risk. Pro-aborts frequently depict anti-aborts as paternalistic chauvinists who don't think adult women can be trusted to make decisions in their own interests; this anti-RU486 argument plays right into the hands of those who peddle this stereotype. Me, I have no doubt that on balance women are as good as men are at making decisions to promote their own interests,[2] at least in the short-term;[3] what I don't buy is the creative Cannoldian line that, if your mother decides to abort you, that's in your interests too. (I am not making that up. Cannold is an ethics lecturer, believe it or not. But then, so is Peter Singer.)

[1] Yes, I know Natty's kid is already out of the womb. But you show me what part of Lyn Allison's Oprahfest limits the logic of her claimed "right to choose" to only children in utero; and a screaming three-year-old would represent a much bigger obstacle to Allison's precious Senate career than would a first-trimester bump, even with morning sickness.

The real reason is not logic or justice, but sentiment, which is the basis of most pro-choice convictions and (coincidentally?) of most Australian Democrat policies. The pro-aborts don't have the guts to say "No, you can't, that would be killing a child" to a pregnant woman. On the other hand, they don't have the guts to actually do the killing themselves, mano a mano (hence the popularity of a pill that does it for you, and the hysteria with which pro-aborts react whenever someone actually publishes a photo of what an aborted foetus looks like). If they had any principles, the pro-aborts would follow (as, to his partial credit, Prof Singer does partly follow) GK Chesterton's suggestion: "Let all babies be born. Then let us drown the ones we do not like."

[2] Except, of course, when women vote for John Howard. Then they're naive dupes of the ruling class, the media and dog-whistle politics.

[3] Avoiding for yourself the costs of bearing any children, or more than one designer child or a pigeon pair, is entirely rational in your own self-interest, even if it depletes your political tribe's electoral clout over the next two or three decades.

PS: Valid comment from John:

There are a number of types of behaviour which are perceived as 'wrong' largely because they carry a risk of self-harm. Quite a number of these are banned by law.... Furthermore, the law intervenes to force people in some limited and usually extreme circumstances to do things they don't want to for their own protection.

I suppose the difference with "Don't have an abortion, it's not safe for you" is that, unlike John's examples, it's seen as "paternalistic" in the most gendered sense: ie, men telling women how to best look after themselves.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Here's a billabong...

... now go jump in it:

"Bin Laden vows never to be captured alive", Associated Press (19 February 2006)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Because the Senate is no longer of any concern to them

"... the Daily Kos, the Mos Eisley of the Angry Left..."

-- James Taranto, "Best of the Web", Wall Street Journal (15 February 2006)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

But Blair and Sharon were being, like, so totally bitchy about it

"Hoon starts talks on shortening parliament's summer holiday" -- The Grauniad (15 February 2006)

"I'm gunna **#&@#$#$% well shorten the **#&@#$#$% Parlia-bloody-ment's bloody holiday, eh? eh? eh? C'mon, **#&@#$#$%! I'll have ya!"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Colt From Old Regret, However, Refusing To Make Commitment

"Brumby offers Snowy flow assurances", ABC News online (14 February 2006)

By the way, happy 40th anniversary (or for John and Janette Howard, 35th anniversary) of using Australian decimal currency.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Race to the Finnish

Vote Conan!
(No, not Schwarzenegger):

Continuing the blog's policy of exposing the vast, secret conspiracy to clone red-dogs and infitrate them into positions of power and influence, we note without further comment the following news story: US chat show host Conan O'Brien is endorsing the re-election of Finnish President Tarja Halonen on the ground that she looks uncannily like him.

Life vs The Onion: Or, Deadeye Dick

It started as a joke and ended up as a shot heard round the Internet, with the joker losing his job and Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, suffering a blow to its credibility.

A man in Nashville has admitted that, in trying to shock a colleague with a joke, he put false information into a Wikipedia entry about John Seigenthaler Sr, a former editor of The Tennessean in Nashville.

Brian Chase, 38, who until Friday was an operations manager at a small delivery company, told Mr. Seigenthaler on Friday that he had written the material suggesting that Mr. Seigenthaler had been involved in the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy. Wikipedia, a nonprofit venture that is the world's biggest encyclopedia, is written and edited by thousands of volunteers...
- Katharine Q Seelye, "A Little Sleuthing Unmasks Writer of Wikipedia Prank", New York Times (11 December 2005)

Telling reporters and critics to "stick to the issues that matter," Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush declined to answer questions Monday concerning his alleged involvement in a 1984 Brownsville, TX, mass murder, in which 17 people were ritualistically murdered and skinned.

"I will not stoop to discussing that," said Bush during a campaign stop at a Bay Area software-packaging plant. "We've got people across this country without health care, a broken educational system, taxes that are way too high, and all you want to talk about is something that may or may not have happened 16 years ago? I'm sorry, but I find that offensive."

The Bush campaign has found itself increasingly dogged by what is being dubbed "The Mass-Murder Issue." On April 3, 1984, 17 members of Children Of The Fold, a fringe religious group, were found brutally murdered in the basement of the Brownsville apartment building they used as their temple. The bodies were badly mutilated, many with skin removed, and numerous severed legs were nailed to a wall in the configuration of a seven-pointed star, the cult's symbol. Many of the victims' hearts and brains were cut out.

Bush, who lived in the same neighborhood as the sect and reportedly attended several of its meetings, disappeared the night of the slayings and resurfaced three days later, saying that he had "taken a trip to clear his head." A pen from Bush's oil company was found to have been used as a gouging tool in a victim's eye socket, and bloody footprints at the scene were found to match a pair of Bush's shoes. The future governor of Texas was never formally charged, and in October 1984, after a six-month investigation, the case was ruled a mass suicide...

According to political pundits, Bush's dodging of the mass-murder question has damaged his campaign.

"When Bush refuses to answer one way or the other, he comes off as a shady politician who cannot be trusted," said Robert Novak of CNN's The Capital Gang. "He also comes off as an insane mass murderer who kills lots of people and eats them"...
- "Bush 'Refuses To Dignify' Mass-Murder Allegations: 'That's Not What This Election Is About,' He Says" 36(8) The Onion (8 March 2000)

UPDATE: From "Cheney shoots man on Texas quail hunting trip: Man wounded in accidental shooting said to be ‘alert and doing fine’," The Associated Press (12 February 2006):

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets. Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was “alert and doing fine” in a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday after he was shot by Cheney on a ranch in south Texas, said Katharine Armstrong, the property’s owner...


Didn't King Ludwig of Bavaria used to engage in similar activities?

Further comments:

"What? It was DAMN QUAIL you were telling me to shoot at?" -- Cheney to Lloyd Bentsen.

"Next time, have the courtesy to invite him to a family dinner before you shoot him." -- Saddam Hussein

"We can certify quite categorically that the Vice-President of the United States had no involvement whatsoever in this shooting" -- Earl Warren

"No more Brokeback Mountain jokes, smart alec. This was a bona fide hunting trip." -- Mary Cheney

"Whittington was Cuban?" -- Teddy Roosevelt

"That's one-all for the Vice-Presidency now." -- Aaron Burr.

"I can't remember anything clearly... it's a blur... I heard Harry say 'Shoot that bush over there' and the next thing I know, I was screaming 'You damned Manchurian Candidate traitor!" -- Cheney

"Ach, Rishchka, for head-shot, duck gun is useless, no? Glock will do job much faster, yes, more humane." -- Vladimir Putin

"You can't spell 'Corpus Christi' without a 'corpse'..." -- Captain Kirk

"Only an idiot would go duck-hunting with Cheney" -- Antonin Scalia

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sony Gets Priorities Right

Latest news is that Sony has decided to discontinue production of its niche-market robotic toy dog the Aibo. As reported in Forbes, the obligatory Sony spokesperson asserts:

"Aibo has been a very popular product, but we've decided to focus on our core businesses of electronics, games and entertainment, and on profitability and strategic growth."

Hmm, yes. Like opening up a website -
thedavincichallenge.com - to allow Christian apologists and critics to publicly air their views on the soon-to-be-released movie of the Da Vinci Code, addressing its theological and historical claims about Christianity.

Not a bad idea considering another well-known religious group's responses to another media outlet's treatment of their founder.

As one of the anti-Da Vinci Code essayists writes, "Heresy rightfully gets Christians upset, and responding is necessary."

But I don't think we'll see any Sony products being destroyed by rioting Christians. Except, perhaps, the end-of line Aibo. More likely we''ll get some responses sympathetic with how these Japanese consumers felt about the trashing of their favourite non-pet:

"Aibo is so symbolic of Sony quality I'm starting to lose faith in Sony's audiovisual products."

and

"I feel the decision to withdraw from a product that's so representative of Sony heralds an end for Sony as a global leader."

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Onion, Life, you know the drill by know...

"BRUSSELS, Belgium - A sculpture of a tied-up Saddam Hussein floating in a water tank was banned by the mayor of a western Belgian town because it was deemed too controversial, an official said Monday.

The sculpture, by Czech artist David Cerny, was to be displayed in the coastal town of Middelkerke during the Beaufort 2006 arts festival starting April 1.

But Middelkerke Mayor Michel Landuyt banned the sculpture from being displayed, fearing the possible reaction [...]. The sculpture depicts Saddam Hussein in underpants with his hands tied behind his back in a shark-like pose, in reference to a famous object by the British artist Damien Hirst, whose tiger shark in a glass tank of formaldehyde was nominated in 1991 for the Turner Prize, one of the most prestigious awards for the visual arts in Europe. [...]"

- "Belgian mayor bans Saddam sculpture: Work of art deemed too ‘controversial, potentially explosive’," Associated Press(6 February 2006)

"WASHINGTON DC — Attendees at the Independence Ball, one of nine officially sanctioned galas celebrating President George W Bush's second inauguration Thursday, will be treated to a viewing of a caged Saddam Hussein, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Monday. [...]"

- "Caged Saddam To Be Highlight Of Inaugural Ball", 41(3) The Onion (19 January 2005)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

This, sad to say, is not a parody from "The Onion"

... much as it might read like one:

KENYANS reacting to an offer from New Zealand of dog food to save hungry children have said that they would rather eat dog food than starve to death. “It is better to eat dog’s meat than succumb to death,” said Thomas Oddo, who recently lost a child due to starvation. His comment followed an offer from New Zealand dog food manufacturer Christine Drummond who wants to send food to hungry children on Rusinga Island in Lake Victoria. Parents of some of the children said leaders opposed to the offer were only after satisfying their personal egos at the expense of starving millions in the country. “That dogs’ food would save the lives of the malnourished children,” said James Ochieng, speaking on behalf of the parents on Rusinga Island....

- "Starving Kenyans back dog food plan", Daily Telegraph (2 February 2006)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Blogging - bad for the soul?

"One reason that I've been reluctant to enter the blogosphere is that I am concerned that blog-writing and reading only adds to a bad tendency that we today already have--a fascination with the newest, latest, and most recent. And the newest and latest also often means that which is of only immediate value, that which is passing. That is opposed to that which is enduring, and which has in fact endured and lasted. We write words here which crawl along electronically and leap out through your fingers and eyes to take precious minutes and hours that the Lord has entrusted to us. Could these small things we write really be that important?..."

- "The Unbearable Lightness of Blogs" (21 January 2006)

"... Without question, the blogosphere gives a platform to those who wouldn't ordinarily have one. In many cases, that's a good thing. Some of the most insightful blogs I read are from young pastors and some of my students. But, let's be honest, blogs also tend to give a microphone to a kind of deadening cynicism and blind self-righteousness in the guise of taking on self-righteousness, legalism, and what-have-you. That's a temptation for everyone, computer-literate or not, but blogging seems to be the newest way to mask paranoia, cynicism, and just plain pugilism..."

-- Russell D Moore, "The Spiritual Danger of Blogging" (21 January 2006)

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Fell Beast, The Wiccan and the Possessed Cupboard

There are some who say...that The Chronicles of Narnia are an allegory of the Chrsitian story, and embody many positive virtues...but The Last Trumpet does not think so.

I could write endlessly on such material, but instead, I will draw the reader's attention to the author's address ...
Beaver Dam, WI 53916.

As we all know, Beavers are represented in the Narnia source material, but have been toned down and sanitised for younger audiences, but the careful and astute reader will knoiw what Beavers really mean.

The use of the beaver as a place name is surely a sign of influence by demonic forces, as beavers must certainly symbolise those who work at undermining God's true law - and do their work underwater - a short move away from being UPSIDE DOWN - AND they build lodges, like Masons. Evil, evil I say!

Let us not forget that it is the Beavers in Lewis' work who suggest that Aslan is "not a tame lion". In the light of the Last Trumpet ministries reconstuction of Aslan as Satan instead of the commonly (erroroneosly) held belief that he is a Christ-figure, the reader is invited to draw their own conclusions as to what not being a "tame lion" means. Let us not forget the warning of Peter Tthe Apostle, who writes, "
Be sober, vigilant, because your opponent the devil, as a roaring lion, doth walkabout, seeking whom he may swallow up." 1 Peter 5:8

____________________________________________________

Quote:

The story of the Narnian Chronicle known as The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is one of clandestine occult mysticism and is not Sunday School material unless your Sunday School is a defacto witch coven. The story involves a child from the normal everyday or mundane world. This girl, Lucy, who hides in a wardrobe as she is playing a game, suddenly finds herself transported to another world very unlike her own. It is a world of intelligent, talking animals and strange creatures. The little girl soon finds herself having tea with a faun. In witchcraft and ancient Roman pagan mythology, a faun is any of a group of rural deities, which have the bodies of men and the horns, ears, tails, and legs of a goat. The Roman god Faunus was also the god of nature and fertility and was connected to sexual lust. Here let it be noted that in the Narnian Chronicle Prince Caspian, this same strange land the little girl finds herself in is also populated by gods and goddesses; such as Bacchus, the god of drunken orgies, and the Maenads, who were frenzied women driven to madness in the orgiastic cult of Bacchus.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Federation to attack the Dominion?

No, not that Dominion:

November 24, 2005 – A former Canadian Minister of Defence and Deputy Prime Minister under Pierre Trudeau has joined forces with three non-governmental organisations to ask the Parliament of Canada to hold public hearings on Exopolitics – relations with “ETs.”

By “ETs,” Mr Hellyer and these organisations mean ethical, advanced extraterrestrial civilisations that may now be visiting Earth.

On September 25, 2005, in a startling speech at the University of Toronto that caught the attention of mainstream newspapers and magazines, Paul Hellyer, Canada’s Defence Minister from 1963-67 under Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Prime Minister Lester Pearson, publicly stated: “UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head.”

Mr Hellyer went on to say, “I’m so concerned about what the consequences might be of starting an intergalactic war, that I just think I had to say something.”

Hellyer revealed, “The secrecy involved in all matters pertaining to the Roswell incident was unparalled. The classification was, from the outset, above top secret, so the vast majority of US officials and politicians, let alone a mere allied minister of defence, were never in-the-loop.”

Hellyer warned, “The United States military are preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning. He stated, “The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide.”

Hellyer’s speech ended with a standing ovation. He said, “The time has come to lift the veil of secrecy, and let the truth emerge, so there can be a real and informed debate, about one of the most important problems facing our planet today.” ...

- Former Canadian Minister Of Defence Asks Canadian Parliament Asked [sic] To Hold Hearings On Relations With Alien “ET” Civilisations', Yahoo News (Thursday 24 November, 7:00 AM ET

Boy, Canadians are lucky their politics aren't controlled by credulous fundo hicks, like in the Great Wasteland to the south...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

"They sang as they slew..."

Some grumblings at Amy Wellborn's blog:

"The many children in the cinema actually burst out laughing when the older sister finally shot an arrow and killed the dwarf about to axe her injured brother. Why did they laugh?"

And ditto with Rock Wren:

"The most troubling scene for me was near the end when Susan, in some nod to feminism outside the text of the book, took up her bow and killed the Witch's drawf as it tried to crush Edmund (or Peter, I forget which). The children in the theater, mine included, laughed as the drawf fell over dead with an arrow in his chest. He was a mean and unlikeable character, but it bothered me that kids laughed at the death and that Susan appeared to have no remorse or tears or pain at having to take a life, even if it was a just killing."

Very anti-Lewisian, no? Ad fontes, citoyens!

"War is a dreadful thing, and I can respect an honest pacifist, though I think he is entirely mistaken. What I cannot understand is this sort of semi-pacifism you get nowadays which gives people the idea that though you have to fight, you ought to do it with a long face and as if you were ashamed of it. It is that feeling that robs lots of magnificent young Christians in the [Armed] Services of something they have a right to, something which is the natural accompaniment of courage – a kind of gaiety and wholeheartedness."
- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity, Book Three ("Christian Behaviour: The Three Parts of Morality")

Thursday, December 08, 2005

iPod Chav

Will we see the next episode of 'A Current Affair" focusing on dodgy builders, diet pills, and iPod wearing lower socio-economic class bevans (Aussie slang for the UK's "Chav")? Maybe...

iPod shuffle is top Chav Gadget

Put on your Burberry scarf and switch on your iPod Shuffle. While the iPod nano may be the king of cool, a panel of the UK’s top gadget experts and the staff of Tech Digest and Shiny Shiny have voted its budget sibling the iPod shuffle this year’s ‘Must Chav Gadget.’

'The shuffle is perfect for chavs,' said the judge's citation. 'It’s cheap. It’s by a cool brand, and you can let others know you have one as it is designed to be worn round your neck. As it is white it also accessorises well with those classy gold chains Chavs wear.

The sad part is that the shuffle is the worst player in the Apple range – more like some dodgy back street knock-off than the excellent other iPods. The fact it has no screen so you can’t program it or choose a track – it chooses the music for you – also saves Chav brain cells for the much more important business of, ahem, ‘pimping their rides.’


Runner up in Chav Gadget of the year is the ultra skinny Motorola phone the RAZR. 'Once the height of cool, this has now become standard fixture for every Tom Dick and Chav. Motorola has done it pink, maybe they should be thinking of a Burberry version.'

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Nicolae'd and Dimed

LISA SIMPSON: Dad, we love you, but we just don't think the world is coming to an end. Yet.

BART SIMPSON: Sure, in a hundred years, global warming-- we're goners, but for now, do you think you could lighten up on this "Left Below" stuff?

Slate recently published Grady Hendrix's review of the "Left Behind" movies. Now, I haven't seen any of these because I live outside the Deep South of the USA and my local video stores don't stock any of these opus-es. And every attempt I've made to actually read a LB book has failed: I have a princess-and-the-pea-like intolerance for corny writing. So Hendrix can blast LB all he likes for its hokey dialogue, its plot twists, and its espousal of Dispensationalism in contravention of ye plain and perspicuous teaching of Scripture.

But GH does make three (3) unfair criticisms, though:

[1] Low budget

"... While each installment's budget is estimated to be around $17.4 million, I think that number might be off by $16 million or so. In Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, for example, Kirk Cameron has to take Ben Judah, a respected rabbi, to the Wailing Wall so that he can tell Jews everywhere that Jesus Christ is Lord. Israel is represented by a few stone walls obviously made of plywood, some Christmas-tree lights, and 500 volunteer extras wearing leftover costumes from a Nativity pageant. The Wailing Wall is patrolled by soldiers dressed in World War II army uniforms. The producers have also dubbed in the sound of goats during scenes set in downtown Jerusalem, which leads to the unusual notion that modern-day Israel is populated by WWII re-enactors, nervous-looking people in bathrobes, and goats. In low-budget movies there are just some things that you can't portray convincingly..."

Okay... so Dogville and Edward II were bad movies then, because of their low-budget, unconvincing sets? Or do they get a pass because their ideological message is more with-it?

[2] Bad guys

"... The United Nations can't even take a leadership role in getting rid of its parking tickets, but in the "Left Behind" universe, the UN wants nothing more than to disarm the world's armies, eliminate famine, and bring about a global peace. This, confusingly, makes them the bad guys...."

You would think anyone allowed to publish articles in Slate would have first been made to write out, four or five hundred times, "REMOVING SADDAM FROM POWER WAS A GOOD THING BUT THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE IRAQ INVASION". Ends, means, etc.

[3] Switching actors

But the dumbest criticism of all is...

"Did the [producers] really think no one would notice that they've replaced Clarence Gilyard, a black actor who played a resistance minister in both previous movies, with a totally different black actor? Do they think that all black actors look alike?"

Oh, those horrible, racist fundamentalists! -- Not. Duh. Film series-es change actors all the time, for all sorts of reasons: actors die, or fall out with the director, or fall pregnant, or whatever. "The Oracle" in The Matrix, for one. "Lady Jessica Atreides" in the Dune and Children of Dune mini-series-es, for another. You want a white Anglo-male as proof? Batman, played by no fewer than four different actors in the past 16 years, three of them in the same franchised series.

So do movie producers think Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and George Clooney all look alike, then? Did they think we wouldn't notice if Michael Gambon substitutes for the late Richard Harris as Dumbledore? Get real.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Star Wars: Episodes I-VI - The greatest postmodern art film ever


Interesting (if a little excitable) article about Star Wars and Po-mo on MSN's Slate. Quote:

"With the release of Episode III Revenge of the Sith on DVD today, George Lucas' audience can finally see all six Star Wars films back-to-back, as a single text. This is how Lucas himself regards the series, often joking that, including his 1973 hit American Graffiti, he has made only three movies in his career. One of the surprises in store after a marathon viewing is how much of the young Lucas, the self-conscious avant-gardist of THX1138, is actually visible onscreen, peeking out from behind the endless sequences of digitally enhanced space battles and ritualized light-saber duels. Looking at these familiar films with fresh eyes, unfiltered by the lens of nostalgia and sentiment—and it was, admittedly, a resonant moment this summer to watch the final episode with my father, who had taken me to see the original film in 1977 when I was 8—we start to see just how deeply weird they really are. Three decades on, the kids who grew up playing with Luke Skywalker action figures and carrying Princess Leia lunchboxes may be startled to discover that Star Wars is really just one big elephantine postmodern art film." ...more

I enjoyed this - quite a good analysis - except - in my opinion, the author is reading a little too much order into Lucas' chaotic, inconsistent and downright bizarro work. Many "postmodernists" celebrate Star Wars precisely because it is so incoherent - the post modern identy on celuloid, if you will. And what of the argument that no work has a single, controlling author - not just books, whose authors are embedded in their socio-cultural mileau, but also films, the products of many, many hands and thousands of hours of labour (and in the case of the costumers on LOTR, unpaid).

All narrative is heavily dependent on "coincidence"- the clumsy author demonstres a lack of skill by having them shine like beaconss, the better author makes them seem more plausible. Think of the many "coincidences" in the narrative of your own life. Jung didn't invent the term "synchronicity" for nothing! That's what makes a fictional coincidence plausible (it resembles what may happen in real life) rather than a giant leap of logic that's impossible to swallow (ala Lucas).

An audience can only suspend disbelief on so many fronts. Talking robots, flying cars, intergalactic space battles, sure, but Luke Skywalker crashing his plane directly opposite Yoda's hut of Dagobah? Come on! What are the odds? Maybe that's why many "conventional" film reviewers reject much of what passes as science fiction - too narratively implausible, rather than imaginatively outrageous.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Episode III DVD

I have received the most recent starwars.com "Homing Beacon", promoting the latest release of the (hopefully last) Star wars movie on DVD (Epidoes III of VI, of course!).

With interst I saw that Lucas had decided to include

" a brand-new full-length documentary produced by Lucasfilm Ltd. as well as two new featurettes -- one that explores the prophecy of Anakin Skywalker as the Chosen One, and the other that looks at the movie's amazing stunts. "


The real amazing stunt is how Lucas got his audience to swallow the prophecy line. Maybe this was the footage edited out of the movies that helped them all make sense - instead we had lingering scenes of Tatooine's twin suns melting into the horizon, more steely glares and pouts from Hayden Christiansen than we care to remember, and a hundred gazillion costume changes for poor Natalie Portman, along with some stupid droid sub-plot / backstory that went nowhere and added nothing.

George, a reminder from one of your now less-strong-with-the-force fans: story is at the heart of a movie, and science fiction movies demand this probably more than any other as there is so much disbelief to suspend. A prophecy about a boy conceived by midi-chlorians, conjured by Darth Sidious using the 11 secret herbs and spices recipe of Darth Sanders, is pretty central to an understanding of how the first three films tie together. Not backstory material. Unless, George, you are planning a Tolikienesque Silmarillion pre-prequel, with Eldar, Istar and Numenorians.

Too bad I'll have to be springing for the $30 needed to buy this so I can finally make sense of the previous $300 I have already thrown at the movies, DVDs books and games. Let's hope it's all been worth it. Maybe the prophecy will tell me to hand over my bank account details to George Lucas. Already done.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Monday, October 24, 2005

Chavista?


Chavista? A female, Hispanic-heritage inspired Chav, no?

Check out this ad image as seen on the Green Left weakly site (copied to google for reference but available here):

Note the writing on the headband "CHAVISTA" - (David Attenborough voice) "...although the hair-style and clothing do not resemble any yet known descriptions of Chavs, perhaps we have a new, sub-grouping here, as yet undiscovered by Science."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Do As Thou Wilt, But Harm None

Robert Kiley owns, he claims, upwards of 30 firearms. (They're in storage.) He smokes marijuana at night to help himself fall asleep, and to ease the pain, he says, of a herniated disk. [...] Kiley, age 54, is a libertarian living in federally subsidized housing, in the McQueeney Apartments on Orange Street. [...]

- "The Kiley Factor: 7th ward independent aldermanic candidate Robert J. Kiley brings his libertarian message to the masses", New Haven Advocate (6 October 2005)

CHEYENNE, Wyoming – After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. “Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist”, Jacobs said. “Also, my house was burning down”. Jacobs did not offer to pay fire-fighters for their service.

- “Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department”, The Onion, Vol 40 No 16 (21 April 2004)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Axel-rods and broomsticks

Some years ago, I read that PL (Pamela) Travers, author of the much-loved Mary Poppins, was born in the town of Maryborough (pronounced "Merraburra"), in south-east Queensland.

Knowing the politics of that town, I got wondering about how Disney’s classic cartoon musical might have been different had Ms Travers lived in Maryborough her entire life...

Super one-world-government will one day try enslave us
Sex Ed. (with no carols) in our schools will soon deprave us
Pauline and the Freedom Scouts with axle-rods must save us
Super one-world-government will one day try enslave us
[umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye… umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye…]

Because I voted Whitlamite when I was but a youth
I sold our nation into debt and helped to hide The Truth
About the Holocaust and how the Jews had faked the whole thing
And Hitler was a "Socialist", which means that he was left-wing
[umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye… umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye…]

I’ve lectured all around the Downs, and everywhere I went
I met a lot of single men whose anger up is pent
Your good old Aussie bloke without a ponytail’s distraught
They took away his kids, so now he’ll bomb the Family Court
[umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye… umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye…]

Our Constitution shan’t be changed by Canberra, but the facts is
Since 1920 it’s been void, so you need pay no taxes
When kooks and self-styled colonels pass the time of day with me
I give my URL to tell them who shot Kennedy
[umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye… umm-diddle-iddle-iddle, umm-diddle-eye…]

"Guilfuss went down to Victoria..."

John Moe has "Thirty-nine Questions For Charlie Daniels Upon Hearing 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' for the First Time in 25 Years" (link via Eugene Volokh).

This got me a-fixin' to dig up the following, composed in honour of a legendary gun-lobbyist from North Queensland, possibly one of the very few English-Mass-will-do-at-a-pinch-but-the-Latin-Mass-is-the-real-deal Catholics in the world who regards the UK's 1688 Bill of Rights - Article 7 and all - as sacro-bloody-sanct. If you can imagine "The Man From Ironbark" being filmed by director John Milius, you're part of the way to picturing Guilfuss.

Well, Guilfuss went down to Victoria – he was lookin’ for a place to rent, see
But this cove he’d picked as a fellow Mick, he turned out to be a closet Pentie
Al’s tone was curt ‘cuz he was huntin’ skirt, and was willing to risk great harms
To hisself and his heart, just to get a fresh start, in his quest for the Right Two Bare Arms

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
“This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria…”

So Al sought a lass at a Charo Mass, but turned out 'twas a Commo trap
He thought: “Them sheilas, they’re all feelers, and they’d just give a bloke the ‘clap
I been hoping to share in (and stock up my merit with) some transubstantiation
But the only good work takin’ place in this kirk is a heap a’ self-flagellation..."

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria…”

As Al looked around he scowled, and he growled to himself: "This mob are loonier
Than some ABC journo who’d fawn over Kernot but mock Bob Katter Junior
If them PC jerks invade me Church, then it’s b*** well time to tell them
That they’d best think again or they’ll soon see their heads on spikes next ter Johnny Calvin’s..."

So Albert waxed his pencil-mo and drew his breath in hard
"Ter say the least, yer parish priest seems just a mere Lollard
It's time ter fight, like Menzies savin' Aussie from ther Huns
'Cos if we lose, the Feds'll take our guns..."

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria..."

Well, you’ve heard about Christ in the Temple – now, here’s the latter days’ own sequel
For Jesus, he lived long before Sam Colt made all men equal
And a whip would sound kinky for Al, don’t you think? He’d prefer a more... Tradition-al solution
So fired off a blast from his .303 when they started Third Rite Absolution...

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria..."

Once he’d got their attention, Al went to the pulpit and announced: "Time to hear some new sermons!
Yuz are pawns in a plot stretchin’ back to the Thirties, when the Jews took the guns off the Germans
Yuz are richly blessed with two Rights already – the Right to Bear Arms and Stay Silent
So if yuz get greedy and want a Third Rite… well, yuz leave us no choice but turn violent."

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria..."

"If yuz let ’em ban guns from yer churches, I fear, yuz’ll really be past any hope
Next they’ll want to abolish yer common-law right to directly elect yer own Pope
Yuz of course know the Third Great Commandment Christ left: 'Never yield up thy gun or munition'
And yer got no excuse to ignore this command, since it doesn’t conflict with Tradition..."

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria..."

Al said: "Ask the Pope – this ain’t no Oprah
Show with no rovin' mike
So don’t go teary on us, dearie
I don’t care if that’s what yuz like…
Yuz see what I drive at? Faith should be private,
Between a person and his or her God
And if yuz don’t yet profess this, yuz’ll b*** soon confess this
In an audience with me cattle-prod..."

[CHORUS:] Fire on the Proddoes – run, Prods, run
Al’s on the prowl with a big-bore gun
"This ancient Faith ain’t no Catholic cafeteria
Where yuz kin choose à la carte to partake a’ Mass hysteria..."

Monday, October 17, 2005

UN 1, Smurfs 0


How they annihilated the Smurfs

By David Rennie
Brussels
October 9, 2005

THE people of Belgium are reeling at the first adults-only episode of The Smurfs, in which the blue-skinned cartoon characters' village is annihilated by warplanes.

The short but chilling film is the work of UNICEF, the United Nations Children's Fund, and is to be broadcast on national television next week as a campaign advertisement.

The animation was approved by the family of the Smurfs' late creator, "Peyo".

Belgian TV viewers had a preview of the 25-second film last week, when it was shown on the main evening news. Reactions ranged from approval to shock and, in the case of small children who saw it by accident, wailing terror.

UNICEF and the family company IMPS, which controls rights to the Smurfs, have stipulated that it is not to be broadcast before 9pm.

The short film pulls no punches. It opens with the Smurfs dancing hand-in-hand around a campfire and singing the Smurf song. Bluebirds flutter by and rabbits gambol about their village until, without warning, bombs rain from the sky.

Smurfs scatter and run before being felled by blast waves and explosions. The final scene shows a scorched Baby Smurf sobbing inconsolably.

The final frame bears the message: "Don't let war affect the lives of children."

UPDATE:
I was just thinking this morning what UNICEF UK or Australia or US might do to shock the viewers out of their complacency towards innocent victims of war-like aggression.

In Australia, we might see Blinky Bill, Angelina Wallaby, Mrs Magpie and Jacko the Kookaburra on holidays in a Bali nightclub and getting blown to bits by a suicide bomber. Not once, but twice.

In the UK, we might see the Teletubbies on the Tube and Bob the Builder on the Number 26 Bus getting blown to smithereerns - also by a suicide bomber.

In the US, we would see the Simpsons take a family holiday to New York, and Homer racing up to the top of both Twin towers to use a toilet, only to die in an incendiary of avgas as a suicide pilot slams a planeload of a passengers into the side of the building.

Yes, war is hard on the little ones.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Chapter Eight: Chiefly Concerning Rilstone, Rilian and Jahiliyah

Andrew Rilstone is mildly optimistic about the forthcoming Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe movie, but Mark Shea is less sanguine:

Shea here with today’s “Uh oh”. The director of the forthcoming The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe holds forth: "So I’ve really tried to make the story about a family which is disenfranchised and disempowered in World War II, that on entering Narnia, through their unity as a family become empowered at the end of the story. It’s really bringing the humanity of the characters into what is effectively a symbolic story."

Yeah. That’s Lewis alright: asserting the power of human potential to save ourselves though the mutual affirmation of our Us-ness. This remind me of Elijah Wood, Andy Serkis, and Sean Astin explaining how the Lord of the Rings is really an anti-war film. Uh huh. My hope remains in the fact that artists often don’t really understand their own work and that the director, after saying all this dumb crap about Narnia, will still manage to make a good film that he himself does not understand. It happens. Peter Jackson, after all, declared he had no interest whatever in the Catholic theology that informed Lord of the Rings. But he still managed to make a deeply Catholic film. The Spirit blows where it will.

Apart from one minor quibble (any story whose central message is "Yes, it may be a beautiful thing made of fine gold; and maybe the idea of unifying the whole world under one leader is well-intentioned; but the fact remains that it was made by the bad guys and remains evil, so you must cast it into the fire" is not "deeply" Catholic, whatever Professor Tolkien's subjective intentions), I agree with Mark.

Shrekboy's interpretation of the message of The Cat, the Conjuress and the Cupboard is deeply fatuous. So fatuous, in fact, that -- ultimate insult here -- it reminds me of Homer Simpson. (Homer: "I’m going to take revenge on that bear!" Lisa: “Dad! You can’t take revenge on an animal. That’s the message of Moby-Dick!” Homer, patronisingly: “No, Lisa. The message of Moby-Dick is: ‘Be Yourself’.”)

I wonder whether Adamson & co plan to film all seven Narnia stories? Of course, true Ludovician fans will remember that LW&W has been filmed before, most memorably by the BBC in 1988. (I also once caught a bad American cartoon version of it on TV one lo-o-o-ong 24 December, years ago). In fact, the BBC went further and turned three other Narnia books into telemovies: Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and The Silver Chair.

Now this raises a puzzle and, as Professor Digory Kirk would say: Dear me, why don’t we use logic to figure out the answer. Why did the Beeb film only four of Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia books? Why not go for the full seven? It’s not as if they could have reasonably feared that kids wouldn’t want to watch the other three: anyone who likes one Narnia book will usually like all of them, not necessarily with equal intensity, but certainly no one can love one book and detest another: all are of roughly equal quality, unlike (say) the Dune and Star Wars sagas.

What’s that you say? The BBC’s special effects budget ran out after filming four books and they couldn’t have kept up paying for the high quality of special effects shown on the first four telemovies? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… Excuse me while I compose myself.

No, I subscribe to a different theory. What’s the common thread that links two of the three Narnia books – The Magician’s Nephew, The Horse and His Boy, and The Last Battle – that the Beeb didn’t put on screen? Hmmm… Let's see...

(1) Because none of those three books feature Prince/King Caspian? It’s true the Beeb did film all three of the books that show Narnia under Middle Telmarine Dynasty rule, with Caspian as a boy, a young man, and finally an old man. It’s true he’s not in LW&W, but it’s pretty much non-negotiable that if you’re going to film any Narnia book, you must start with LW&W or at least get around to it later. But I can’t see any reason why the Beeb’s governors would say “We’re only going to film Lion plus the Narnia stories that include Caspian.” He’s hardly the most compelling character in the saga, and in Silver Chair he appears only in passing, and largely as an aged, tragic figure.

(2) Because Magician’s Nephew and Last Battle depict the Creation of Narnia and its Armageddon, respectively, they would cost a fortune in special effects to produce…? Well, maybe. But this is the BBC -- see above. If Tri-Star Columbia Pictures can manage a decent-looking Pegasus for their trailers, surely the BBC could handle Fledge. Nor would the apocalyptic ending of Narnia be much harder. Lewis practically hands them this one: the dinosaurs and dragons eat up the trees "as if they were sticks of rhubarb". Do nip down to t' corner shop and get us five sticks of rhubarb and three rubber dinosaurs, eh loov?

(3) Because Magician’s Nephew and Last Battle depict the Creation of Narnia and its Armageddon, respectively, they’re the most explicitly “religious” of the books...? Hmmm. But what about Horse then? Nonetheless, I think we’re getting warmer…

(3) Because The Horse and His Boy and The Last Battle depict Calormenes. And usually not very favourably. Bingo, I'd say.

Now, of course we're shown good Calormenes too. Aravis becomes a naturalised Narnian by marriage, and Emeth finds he’s been a Rähner-style “anonymous Aslanite” during all his years of serving Tash. Even Calormene villains have some admirable qualities, in their own villainous way; Lewis emphasises that Rishda Tarkaan is brave in battle, and that Prince Rabadash despises the fawning flattery of his father’s vizier. Compared to how Lewis depicts his fellow Britons (see, for example, Uncle Andrew, or for that matter most of Lewis' villains in That Hideous Strength), the Calormenes come off fairly well.

Nonetheless, the Calormenes are most undoubtedly Middle Easterners. They dress like Arabs, Persians or Turks; they carry curved scimitars and round shields; their currency is called the “crescent.” A few of Lewis’ descriptions of them, mainly centering on their food tastes (“in Calormen, you nearly always get oil instead of butter..." and "smelling of garlic and onions, their white eyes flashing dreadfully in their brown faces...") do go over the top, and modern reprints of Horse and Last Battle could perhaps (if Douglas Gresham and Walter Hooper agreed) omit these few brief passages with no loss to any reader. However, one of the more criticised descriptions of the Calormenes – as “Darkies” – should remain, since Lewis puts it in the mouths of the uncouth and chauvinistic Dwarfs. That Griffle, Duffle and co are rude to everyone (even Jill, Lucy, and Aslan) makes it consistent for them to use a moderately offensive epithet for dark-skinned people. (I say “moderately” only because, if someone wanted to seriously insult a dark-skinned person, a lot of other words would be more insulting than “Darkies”).

However, what must be noted is that although the Calormenes are Middle Easterners, they are not Muslims. In particular, their religion -- the cult of Tash-worship -- is almost diametrically anti-Muslim, even more (if that were possible) than it is anti-Christian. We learn that Calormene temples have statues of Tash and altars on which they sacrifice men to him. All of these central elements of Tash-worship are not just absent from Islam but particularly abhorred by it. Indeed, Muslims often criticise the Christian doctrine of the Atonement as being too close to “human sacrifice” for Islam’s liking.

Lewis would have known about this, and presumably did intend this. If he had really wanted to make the Calormene religion stand in the same relation to Narnian Aslan-devotion as Islam stands to Christianity in our world, he would, for example, have had the Calormenes worship a god who was stern but unbendingly just: one who would never have offered his innocent self as substitute victim for a guilty traitor like Edmund. The Calormenes would consider it insufferable blasphemy for the Narnians to insist that the Emperor-Over-Sea himself had walked among them in the physical form of a lion.

Lewis only mentioned Islam a few times in his theological writings, not exactly positively but with a certain degree of respect for what it did and did not profess to be:

If you had gone to Socrates and asked, “Are you Zeus?” he would have laughed at you. If you had gone to Mohammed and asked, “Are you Allah?” he would first have rent his clothes and then cut your head off. -- “What Are We to Make of Jesus Christ?” Rep in Walter Hooper (ed) God in the Dock: Essays on Theology (London, Collins).

This “natural religion”, [some] maintained, had been vitiated by superstition and dogma] and the late HG Wells. But where are the saints, the consolations, the ecstasies? The greatest of such attempts was that simplification of Jewish and Christian traditions which we call Islam. But it retained many elements which [his debating opponent] Professor [HH] Price would regard as mythical and barbaric, and its culture is by no means one of the richest or most progressive." -- "Religion Without Dogma?" (1946), rep in Walter Hooper (ed) Compelling Reason: Essays on Ethics and Theology (London, HarperCollins, 1996), p 100.

And even by implication:

"If all this West part of the world is apostate, might it not be lawful, in our great need, to look farther... beyond Christendom? Should we not find some even among the heathen who are not wholly corrupt? There were tales in my day of some such: men who knew not the articles of our most holy Faith, but who worshipped God as they could and acknowledged the Law of Nature. Sir, I believe it would be lawful to seek [their] help..." -- Merlin, in That Hideous Strength (London, Bodley Head, 1946), p 293.

Furthermore, Smoke on the Mountain: An Interpretation of the Ten Commandments by Lewis' wife Joy Davidman – a book that seems clearly influenced by Lewis, particularly in its style – gives Islam a surprsingly positive mention in its chapter on monotheism:

“HEAR, O ISRAEL; The Lord our God is one Lord!” What a surprise! What an incredible thing to say! Everyone knew that the universe was a wild and chaotic thing, a jungle of warring powers... There was a god of the spring planting and another god of the harvest... Now along comes a fool, from an insignificant tribe of desert wanderers, and shouts that all these processes are one process from a single source, that the obvious many are the unthinkable One! Whoever he was, he shouted it so loud that it has echoed down all the time. From the minarets where the muezzin cries that God is God; from the synagogues where the cantor calls in sonorous and unchanged Hebrew; from the churches of Christendom, the voice is the same, and the word the same. The universe is one process, created by one Maker. -- Chapter One, "God Comes First", p 21.

There are two opposing ways Christians can interpret the fact that Calormene religion is far more evil, by Aslanite standards, compared to Aslan-ism than Islam is, by Christian standards, compared to Christianity.

The first way is to hold that Tash-ism is what Islam is really like. Certainly there are many Christians who would not hesitate to assert bluntly that Allah, the God of the Muslims, is no true [G]od, but rather a demon or at best an illusion. Those who take this negative interpretation would read Lewis as saying that, whatever Muslims may claim (or even think), Islam is really a religion of idol-worship and human blood-sacrifice. (Other Christians, by contrast, would concede that Muslims worship the same God as Christians do, but have missed the subtleties of His true character: like someone who, from distance or poor eyesight, thinks that a cluster of three lights is really one single light, or that a triangular shape is really a circle.)

This first interpretation would be appealing to many Christians, especially evangelicals. However, I can guarantee that no movie of The Horse and His Boy or The Last Battle that depicts Calormene Tash-worship as thinly disguised Islam is going to get produced, released or screened in the foreseeable future. The era of pre-September 11 films (True Lies, The Siege) with Middle Eastern and/or Muslim villains (who generally are allowed a few minutes of screen-time to rail at the hypocrisy of the West -- "you call us terrorists, yet you bomb women and children!" etc -- before the hero dispatches them) is now officially over.

A second, more positive interpretation would acknowledge that the Calormenes are Middle Easterners, but make it quite clear that they are not Muslims. There is even a way the producers could work this, quite handily, into the script, early on. (I offer this suggestion free of charge and with all copyright claims forever waived and renounced. You can include my name in the credits…)

The idea is that a sympathetic Calormene character – possibly Aravis in Horse, since that book comes earlier in the Chronicles both in Narnian time and in ours than does Last Battle – explains how the Calormenes came from our world to the Narnian universe. There is a precedent for this in the last chapter of Prince Caspian, where Aslan explains how the Telmarines originated. So: Aravis, or else Emeth, gives the Narnians some back-story along the following lines:

“We of Calormen have always worshipped Tash, not only because we fear him but also because his wings shelter us and his claws drive away our enemies. We were once his followers in another world, in a city where his temple held a golden statue of him twenty feet tall. But one day a man and his followers conquered our city, and smashed all our statues, and forbade us to bow any more before Tash, or before any other god but one we could not see. So in obedience to our lord and protector, we fled into the desert beyond our city. Tash in his mercy led us to a cave and to a gap between rocks that was a doorway between that world and this. After we passed through that gap, it closed. In this world we have built many cities, conquered many provinces, and prospered as a great empire, all under the protection of Tash.”

So: a spiel something like this would establish that the Calormenes are not Muslims, nor descendants of Muslims, but descendants of the Meccan polytheists and idolaters who were driven out by the conquering armies of Muhammad. Tash is not a thinly-disguised Allah, but one of the demonic small-G gods whose temples and statues the Muslims destroyed. No Muslim could reasonably object to such a harsh portrayal of their own pre-Islamic history, the pagan era that Muslims themselves dismiss as Jahiliyah, ie, “ignorance” or “barbarism.” (That won't guarantee, of course, that no Muslims will in fact object, but this way the onus will be on the objectors to prove "anti-Muslim prejudice", despite the producers clearly offering an olive branch by making the Narnians’ enemy the same as their Prophet’s enemy.)

Granted, this would involve a slight deviation, not from any of the "scriptures" once and for all by Lewis delivered, but from his "apocrypha": in an unpublished timeline that Lewis prepared for his own use as author, he apparently wrote that "Calormen [was] created in Narnian year 204, when outlaws from Archenland flee south across the desert and set up the kingdom". [UPDATE: sorry, that URL is now as dead as Charn's pool in the Wood Between the Worlds. I saved that article and its URL to disc back in 1999. UPDATE TO UPDATE: Wikipedia reprints Lewis' Narnian timeline here. Thanks to Thorley Winston.] But with all respect to the master, my interpretation is more plausible. If Archenlanders -- who are presented as first cousins of Narnians, and co-descendants of King Frank and Queen Helen, an English cabbie and his English wife -- did ever fall into paganism, they would have evolved a religion far more akin to Norse Odinism than to Islam.

PS 1: Curiously, Aslan [H]imself uses the temple and altar of Tash as the objective instrument for Prince Rabadash's release from his metamorphosis into a donkey...

PS 2: And yes, I acknowledge that my "No one wants to film Narnian stories that depict the evil Calormenes as Muslims" theory doesn't explain why the Beeb omitted The Magician's Nephew. Fear of cruelty to guinea-pigs, perhaps?

PS 3: [UPDATE: At GetReligion, Doug LeBlanc quotes Ross Douthat's piece "The Apocalypse, Rated PG" in the May '05 Atlantic Monthly (subscription required):

... A successful Lion would also mean that [the films' bankroller, reclusive Christian billionaire Philip] Anschutz could start gearing up for the next six Narnia movies — probably culminating around 2015 or so with The Last Battle, a Narnian Armageddon that features Muslim-like villains; subtle riffs on faith, atheism, and damnation; and a decidedly biblical Last Judgment. It’s the best children’s story about the Apocalypse ever written, and it might just be the movie that Philip Anschutz was born to make...]

PS 4: Thanks to Kathryn B for a perceptive comment. There is one other way, of course, by which the filmmakers could depict Calormenes without provoking a response somewhere between The Siege and The Satanic Verses, and that's the "Everett McGill/ Steven Berkoff" gambit -- to have the Tisroc, Rabadash, Arsheesh, Ahoshta, Rishda Tarkaan, Emeth, et al, played by WASP actors who don't look OMEA in the slightest. The Steven Berkoff Fremen are not only all Caucasians (okay, Chani is played by a Hungarian actress, but that’s about as exotic as they get), but their Muad’Dib cult has a temple... with priests... and giant, faux-Coruscant (or faux-Helsinki) human statues adorning it. Ie, about as non-Islamic as you could get.

Or else, as a via media, actors who are not WASPs but are also not of Middle Eastern (Arabic/ Persian/ Turkish/ Kurdish) background either... Parminder Nagra or Aishwarya Rai as Aravis and Alexander Siddigh as Emeth? Any more gratuitous (or more-gratuitous) casting suggestions?

PS 5: Or they could cast Israeli actors to play the Calormenes: they can pass for Arabs or Persians at a pinch...

PS 6: Kathryn also suggests that "the fundamentalists might just panic a little too much about someone treading on their precious Creationism" in a filmed Magician's Nephew. One thing that's always puzzled me is the seven-day creationist wing of fundamentalist Christianity's dislike for an author who uses the phrase "son of Adam" and/or "daughter of Eve" at least four times per chapter...

PS 7: Guess we can rule out casting Jessica Alba as Aravis then..

"For one thing, they [a visiting Narnian delegation] were as fair-skinned as [Shasta] himself, and most of them had fair hair... And instead of being grave and mysterious like most Calormenes, they walked with a swing and let their arms and shoulders go free." - The Horse and His Boy, Chapter 4.

"Alba prefers to talk about her career-boosting decision to go blonde... Alba clearly feels there has been too much emphasis on her either being Latin or playing dark and mysterious." - interview with Garth Pearce, Weekend Australian (9-10 July 2005), magazine p 33.

(Pearce really means "Latina". If she really were "Latin", she'd have the same initials as another J. Alba.)

PS 8: "However successful the film of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe may be, it is hard to see how The Horse and His Boy could be made into a sequel today without serious political repercussions." - Alison Lurie, "His dark materials," The Grauniad (3 December 2005).

PS 9: This issue's come up again at chez Rilstone, with much deep discussion:

[a] "... And I agree that Hollywood adaptation of Last Battle or Magician's Nephew is inconceivable. Aunty Beeb made her excuses and left after the Silver Chair. My money would be on Uncle Walt filming the basic trilogy and leaving it at that."

[b] "... Unless the very rich Christian businessman who's apparently involved in this project pushes the point. But I think (from quite distant memories) that a viable and somewhat agnostic movie could be made out of Magician's Nephew. Sure, the religious symbolism is increasingly explicit, but you've also got some nifty landscapes and generally plenty of scope for the FX department to blow the budget, coupled with the kernel of a straight adventure story about unhappy children, wicked uncles, cross-dimensional adventuring, and magical super-weapons. I think that a competent scriptwriter could handle this.

I also think that Horse and His Boy could be less of a problem than some people expect. A lot of the objectionable material seems to come in authorial asides or incidental descriptions which can simply be quietly lost, leaving another adventure story with at least one heroic Calormene and lots of Arabian Nights scenery. (Lewisites who object to the loss of incidental racist or sexist material can be very, very safely ignored)..."

Well, Disney did make Aladdin, although that was a whole 13-14 years ago.

PS 10: Cathy Seipp, "Narnia and its enemies" (posted 9 December 2005):

Speaking of those Calormenes, [Charles] McGrath’s complaint in the New York Times that they "are oily cartoon Muslims" is typical, if not quite correct; actually, they are pre-Islamic Islamofascists who keep slaves, oppress women, and worship a Baal-like god named Tash. That they have dark complexions, which Lewis’s critics harp on more than Lewis did, really isn’t the problem. As it happens, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe's evil White Witch, interpreted by Tilda Swinton as an Aryan goddess in the movie, is "not merely pale," as the book describes her, "but white like snow or paper or icing-sugar...proud and cold and stern."

The Calormenes speak in a flowery, Arabian Nights-style manner worthy of Osama bin Laden, but Lewis gives them their due for that. In Calormen, he explains in The Horse and His Boy, story-telling "is a thing you’re taught, just as English boys and girls are taught essay-writing. The difference is that people want to hear the stories, whereas I never heard of anyone who wanted to read the essays."...

PS 11: Judith Shulevitz, "Don’t Mess With Aslan", New York Times (26 August 2001):

"... Muslims also haunt Narnia – or rather, cartoon infidels, a turbaned, dark-skinned people called Calormenes, who live to the south of Narnia. The Calormenes are a greedy, cruel, proud, enslaved and enslaving race. Their god is a murderous demon named Tash. They speak an argot filled with cloying, ingratiating phrases and live in cities that reek of dung [?] and sweat. The Narnians, by contrast, are fair, blond, noble and free: 'They walked with a swing and let their arms and shoulders go free, and chatted and laughed... You could see that they were ready to be friends with anyone who was friendly and didn’t give a fig for anyone who wasn’t.' The Calormene boy who sees this and admires them turns out to be a Narnian foundling. As a Calormene warrior points out to the boy’s adoptive father, 'your cheek is as dark as mine but the boy is fair and white like the accursed but beautiful barbarians who inhabit the remote North.'..."
PS 12: Gee, I wonder why only those five.
... Plans for the next movies in the Chronicles of Narnia franchise have been outlined by Walden Media president Cary Granat.... Though Walden could produce a seven-movie series, Granat has only committed publicly to four or five pictures, and told Variety that The Silver Chair is the most likely fourth film. While he made the rather-obvious comment that "there are a lot of stories to be taken from the books", it seems most likely that film five will be The Magician's Nephew, meaning that The Horse and His Boy and The Last Battle might never make the silver screen... "Narnia plans set in stone" (Monday, 8 October 2007)

PS 13: After seeing how much in the Prince Caspian film was added to the original book, I have to say that my suggested fanwank script-doctoring above would be relatively small beer (NPI) in comparison. Turning the Calormenes into Meccan polytheistic idolators is less of a stretch than turning the Telmarines (who in the book have red hair, say "Bloomin' heck" and don't have Antonio Banderas and Xanana Gusmao sitting on the royal council of Lords) into Hispaniards. Yes, it was an improvement and it did make sense of why descendants of marooned pirates would wear big gold earrings. Just saying: it did depart from the original text.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Comment Spam

The options on this blog have now been changed to protect it from "Comment Spam" (not that we get many comments anyway!) Anyone can now post, you will just have to pass the "word verification" option. Any known comment spam will be forwarded to Google for their attention - perhaps they, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and the whole Linux community can get together and rid the world of spam. Or Not.

What is the word verification option?

The "word verification" option can be found on the Settings | Comments tab for your blog, and it looks like this:

If you choose "yes" for this setting, then people leaving comments on your blog will be required to complete a word verification step, similar to the one presented when you create a blog:

What this does is to prevent automated systems from adding comments to your blog, since it takes a human being to read the word and pass this step. If you've ever received a comment that looked like an advertisement or a random link to an unrelated site, then you've encountered comment spam. A lot of this is done automatically by software which can't pass the word verification, so enabling this option is a good way to prevent many such unwanted comments.

(By the way this is called a CAPTCHA - a cutesy acronym that stands for "Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart".

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Until the coalition split because one mocked the city walls the other had built...

Move over, Kemp brothers (both sets of you):

GDANSK, Poland -- When they were kids, the Kaczynski twins were a pair of tricksters. Friends could barely tell them apart, let alone teachers. Jaroslaw, the older by 45 minutes, would take science tests for his brother, Lech, who would return the favor on language exams.

Today, the Kaczynski brothers are teaming up again, this time in a bid to take over the Polish government. Lech is running for president on Oct 9. Jaroslaw is mounting a separate campaign to become prime minister in parliamentary elections [on] Sunday [...]

-- Craig Whitlock, "In Poland, Twins Shoot for Moon: Siblings Run in Pair of National Elections", Washington Post (Sunday 25 September 2005), p A-27.

A talented pair. All that on top of directing the Matrix trilogy.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

"By the gods, not ANOTHER son of Zeus!..."

UPDATE: Okay, I was wrong about LL's character's name.

UPDATE: Speaking of Apollo... Core Command, please tell Dr Paye to countermand that last request, repeat, countermand that last request...

UPDATE: The blasts from the past just got bigger and louder...

Elisabeth Sladen resumes her role as the iconic character Sarah Jane Smith, remembered by a whole generation of Doctor Who fans as the assistant to both Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker. The [Dr Who] Christmas Special will be screened later this year and series two is scheduled for spring 2006.

Sounds like the Colonial Fleet is to undergo a crash course in Xena-biology:
Lucy Lawless, best known for her performance as the lead character in the syndicated smash-hit series, Xena, Warrior Princess, will be appearing in several episodes of the second season of Battlestar Galactica, as confirmed by TV Guide. Lawless will be playing a journalist and will appear in more than one episode, according to the report in hollywoodnorthreport.com. In a recent "Ask Ausiello" column at tvguide.com, Michael Ausiello said that the name of the character Lawless will be playing has not yet been released, nor any other details. [...]

- Wayne Hall, "'BSG' Gets Lawless In Second Season", syfyportal (13 June 2005)

Hmmmmm... Journalist... hint, hint. Doubtless she'll play one of the, aah, serener [scratches nose] characters in CSI: Caprica. [Cough! Cough!]

In the old Seventies Galactica, LL's character would have been named something like "Avardia" or "Fortrella", but knowing Ron Moore, in the new Noughties Battlestar: JAG she'll get either a moniker like "Artemisia" or else a moniker like "Lynette Smith".

Addendum: Given the new Galactica's predilection for both (1) cameos and shout-outs, and (2) a Graeco-Roman rather than an Egyptian "feel" (begone you von Danikenesque nutters!), it can only be a matter of time before we see a character named "Belisarius".