LETTER FROM THE PRIME MINISTER

Today by very great fortune - or mass mailing machine - I received a personalised letter from The PM. I have not yet heard the telemarketer-style phone calls - but may, as I think I must be in a marginal electorate. I am receiving election material from both major paries at least daily and minor parties weekly. I'm not sure but it almost seems to qualify as stalking. All I need now is some pin-striped suited politician sitting in a hotted up Torana across the road at midnight.

Anyway, read what the Prime Minister had to say. I shall interpret the Liberal Party's positions as I go:


Dear Your Name

[Dear voter estranged from the impersonal party political machine, here is a mass-mailed letter sent to your name and address in an attempt to ingratiate myself with your personally]

I am writing to you because as we get closer to election day it's important to remember what we believe this election is all about.

[We believe this election is about us winning]

I believe there is no more important issue facing Australians today than the economy and interest rates.

[So I will scare you with some rubbery figures and neglect to tell you I have almost no control over interest rates and will be the first to blame forces outside of my control for rises - like the IMF, the World bank, the WTO, the US economy or the price of oil]

The risks of bungling our $800 billion economy are very real. Not only would there be less money to spend on local health, education, roads and defence, but people could lose their jobs, poverty could increase and interest rates could rise, putting real pressure on families' budgets.

[Although I will still enjoy a nice salary and superannuation and gold card while everyone else wallows in misery if it does, I am concerned abot you, the voter. Really.]

A few days ago I announced a number of initiatives to assist families and older Australians:

[That I haven't been bothered about until the election, and suddenly I found all this money sitting underneath the Hansards in Parliament House]

. Introducing a rebate of 30% for out of pocket child care fees for families and, for families with only one main income, an increase in Family Tax Benefits;

[Throw some chickenfeed around and see what the chooks scratch up]

. Grandparents responsible for caring for their grandchildren will get better access to child care and, for those on income support, higher child care benefits;

[ibid]

. New technical schools, toolkits, scholarships, access to the youth allowance and better training for new apprenticeships in areas of skills shortage; and

[Although if you get a job you won't be getting a real wage and you will be at the mercy of your employer while you are told you have more "options" and your working conditions are is "flexible" - code for more options and flexibility for the employer]

. More support for after hours Medicare, delivering services "round the clock" where and when they are needed.

[Medicare offices will be open longer? There will be more medicare offices open? More people will be employed at Medicare so you don't have to stand in those riduculous cues like a Russian babooshka queueing for bread]

So our focus, our first priority is to continue helping families in what we believe is the best possible way - keeping interest rates low and the economy strong.

[We will "free up" the economy and the labour market so that all those at the top of the economic pile can get further ahead, and leave everyone else at a loose end as we abolish services like health and education - so that YOU can pay for them]

By continuing to take responsible decisions now, we can have continued financial security to have the money to pay for our new programs that strengthen Medicare, apprenticeships, and defence and national security into the future.

[Just throw in that line about defence and national security just so we don't forget that you were in Washington during September 11, and you have caught the knee jerk panic bug that plagues our US Allies. John, you forgot to mention interest rates again. Shame on you]

Yours sincerely,



John Howard

Prime Minister

[Buffalo Spammer]