You've found Father McKenzie. But are you really looking for Eleanor Rigby?

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

You Know You’re REALLY Politically Correct When...


1. ... being a good civil libertarian, you believe that people labelled "criminals" by society should be treated with understanding, rather than subjected to vindictive, retributive punishment which can't undo the past - unless, of course, they kill or injure anyone who's burgling their house, in which case they should be hung by their thumbs to teach them a lesson.

2. … the last two articles you wrote for Cosmo were "Fred Nile and the Taliban: Both Equally Determined to Oppress and Disempower Women" and "How YOU Can Lose That Summer Cellulite!!!"

3. … you abhor the Christian Right because they want to impose their own religious agenda on politics, and also because their agenda is to reverse the achievements of the civil rights movement under its great leaders the Rev Martin Luther King Jr, the Rev Ralph Abernathy, the Rev Jesse Jackson, the Rev Eugene Rivers, and the Rev Al Sharpton.

4. … you believe that all nations should abide by the decisions of the world community, as declared by the General Assembly of the United Nations, especially where necessary to give protection to persecuted ethnic minorities and uphold their fundamental right to self-determination and land... you also think it's an outrageous injustice that so many Palestinians lost their ancestral homes as a result of the 1947 partition and subsequent Zionist occupation of Palestine.

5. … you can keep a straight face when you hear Carmen Lawrence explaining that abortion must be legalised or else women will be driven to suicide.

6. … you demonstrated against the WTO and MAI because, as an anarchist, you think international trade ought to be more strictly controlled by government regulation.

7. … you don't go to church because Christian religious ceremonies involve male-centred ritualised violence, and exclude women from participation … and anyway, it clashes with the World Cup on television.

8. … you kept lobbying for more women in Parliament even after Pauline Hanson was elected.

9. … you make the perfect guest for The Panel or Good News Week because you can pad out an entire hour just by repeating "Brian Harradine" while everyone falls over laughing.

10. … you oppose citizen-initiated referenda because "a government is elected to govern", and you don't want minorities dictating the elected government's agenda … you also think that after 300,000 people marched over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, John Howard should reverse his previous opposition and officially apologise to Indigenous Australians.

11. … you oppose the death penalty, even for convicted murderers, because killing is inherently cruel and degrading; you also want euthanasia legalised so individuals can end their lives painlessly and with dignity as a result of their own autonomous choices.

12. … you produce documentaries for the ABC's religious affairs department. Your last two productions were (1) a report on the tragic lessons of Hindmarsh Island and the incapacity of mainstream Australian law to respect the distinctive differences and traditions of minority groups, as shown by the "Secret Women's Business" fiasco; and (2) a report on how federal anti-discrimination law offers hope to the re-formers valiantly struggling for ordination of women against the tiny minority of anti-equality bigots within the Anglican and Catholic Churches.

13. … you refused to watch or rent The Lion King because it embodies obviously degrading stereo-types of Hispanics, gays and Blacks - and you've written angry protest letters to Cheech Marin, Elton John, Nathan Lane and Whoopi Goldberg bringing this to their attention.

14. … you send a $500 donation each year to Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, and another $500 donation each year to a committee of Hollywood celebrities lobbying to restore His Holiness the Dalai Lama to his rightful position as traditional leader of an independent Tibetan people.

15. … you volunteer to re-master old Elvis, Gidget and Mouseketeer movies just so's you can insert that cru-cial inverted comma between the two i's in "Hawai'i".

16. … you went to all the pro-East Timor rallies; you threw eggs at US and Australian military buildings and personnel; but, try as you might, you just couldn't bring yourself to shout the words "Troops In!" this time.

17. … you write to the National Association for the Advancement of Coloured People in the USA and warn them they'd better change their title to "National Association for the Advancement of People of Colour".

18. … you've been campaigning for the Bible to be removed from school libraries because it depicts violence, misogyny, homophobia, rape and murder … you are also campaigning vigorously against censorship by those awful religious fundamentalists who want to deny teenagers their First Amendment rights to listen to rap albums by 2 Live Crew.

19. … you absolutely despise John Howard, darl, because you're deeply committed to opposing to all forms of prejudice, stereotyping and discrimination and that boring little Methodist midget isn't.

20. … you agree that no one should ever say the word "Negro" instead of "Black" or "African-American". Not ever, any time, for any reason, period. You also insist that Latino people have the right to speak in Spanish rather than English.