You've found Father McKenzie. But are you really looking for Eleanor Rigby?

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

"Hold the line... You know you can't quit until it's won... 'Cos Oliver’s army is here to sta-a-aaay..."

Life, once again, continues its annoying habit of imitating The Onion:

(#1) […] 80s retro fever is sweeping the executive branch, with President Bush and his nostalgia-crazed colleagues going wild for the people and policies of that “totally tubular” decade.

“The 80s were so awesome”, said Bush, grabbing a handful of Jelly Bellys from a jar on his Oval Office desk.

[…] Nearby, vice-president and fellow 80s-lover Dick Cheney reclined on a couch. “You know who else we should nominate?” Cheney asked. “Robert Bork for Supreme Court!” “Bork? Who’s that?” Bush responded. “Oh, wait – that’s the arch-conservative judge with the funny little chin beard, right? God, I totally forgot about that guy! Yeah, we should definitely nominate him!”

Bush also tapped Donna Rice for White House press secretary but retracted the offer when he realised he was thinking of Fawn Hall. “I always get those two confused”, Bush told Cheney. “I know one was with Oliver North and the shredder, and the other was with Gary Hart and the Monkey Business, but I forget which was which. Then there’s Jessica Hahn. She was the one with Jim Bakker, right? Or was it Jimmy Swaggart? Anyway, I want the Ollie North gal”. Bush praised Hall, calling her “a major-league babe”. Cheney affirmed the appraisal, saying, “Yeah, big-time”.

[…] “Even the enemies were cooler in the 80s”, Bush continued. “Back then, there was Russia, Libya, and Iran. Now, those were some bad guys. What do we have today? North Korea? How lame is that?”

[…] “As a uniter, not a divider, I recognise the importance of feel-good gestures like Hands Across America, USA For Africa, and that 'That’s What Friends Are For' song”, Bush said. “Back in the 80s, people used to come together and lend a hand to those in need. It’s important to make the occasional token effort toward helping others”.

Added Bush: “We also need more Americans like New Jersey’s own Bruce Springsteen, in whose songs live the hopes and dreams of every one of us”.

[…] Though committed to leading America into the future, Bush said he can’t help but wish he could have been president back in the decade of Pac-Man, skinny ties, and illegal arms deals with Nicaragua.

“Man, that would’ve been so cool to be the leader of the free world back then”, Bush said. “I was born 15 years too late”.

-“80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch”, The Onion (24 January 2001)

(#2) [This columnist] is delighted that US troops have captured Saddam Hussein, the murderous former dictator of Iraq. But couldn’t they have given this military operation a better code name than "Operation Red Dawn"? Red Dawn is a campy Cold War-era movie depicting the invasion of the United States by Soviet and Cuban troops. A band of youths from a small town in Colorado (including, pre-Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey) name themselves the “Wolverines” and mount a guerrilla resistance against the totalitarians who murdered their families[...]. The tip-off that Operation Red Dawn was named deliberately after the movie is that the two hiding places scouted out by the combat team were code-named “Wolverine I” and “Wolverine II”. (Saddam was found near Wolverine II). [...]

- “Good Mission, Bad Name: Why bring the movie Red Dawn into it?”, by Timothy Noah, (Monday, 15 December 2003)

(#3) […] Many of Operation Iraqi Freedom’s premises have proved false, and its costs and sorrows are undeniable. Yet progress continues to be made, and the potential of a democratic Iraq is unmistakable. With a little perseverance it may still fulfill some of that promise. The quagmire conservatives should be aware of some of the legitimate good news coming from Iraq, or at least listen to the advice of singer Corey Hart in his 80s hit, “Never Surrender”, “Just a little more time is all we’re asking for/Cause just a little more time could open closing doors/… /And when the night is cold and dark you can see you can see light/Cause no one can take away your right/To fight and to never surrender”.

- "Cheer Up, Hawks", by Charles Rousseaux, Tech Central Station(13 May 2004)

Be very afraid, in case Donald Rumsfeld unveils his plans to turn the moon into what he likes to call a [waggles fingers] "Death Star"[waggles fingers]. -- Guarded by "Ewoks".

UPDATE: And of course Andrew McCarthy is involved too. Can Scott Baio and Molly Ringwald be far behind?

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