"Star Wars, As Re-Imagined by Ronald D Moore"

Star Wars, As Re-Imagined by Ronald D Moore

UPDATE: Already been done? I'd forgotten this 1999 gem. It even has a scene in a movie theatre, just without Xinna saying "Ut trilly uz a murukul frim Gawd."

Had someone told me in 1979 that by 2007, not only Cylons but also Imperial troopers would have Nizzillind ekksents, I would have howled "Noooooooooo!" to the sky, head cradled in hands, or else retorted "Th'umpurriyil Sinnit wull nutt sutt stull for thuss, eh filler."

SCENE 1:

Interior. The cafe of a university student union, walls covered with various posters. A few dozen students of varying ages are sitting around, talking, eating from meal trays, drinking coffee.

ALLAN VADER walks in. He is a tall Asian man in his 40s who is wearing a black T-shirt with a barely-legible slogan, stove-pipe jeans, motorcycle boots, and a long black leather trenchcoat. He has a shaved head and an eyepatch over one eye, and is smoking a cigarette.

VADER looks around the cafeteria. Camera jerks about dizzyingly.

Eventually camera settles on BELINDA "LUKE" SMITH-WALKER, a young woman aged 20-25, of African appearance, wearing a dark navy pantsuit and jacket. She is sitting alone at a table with her briefcase (and no meal tray) in front of her.

VADER pauses, throws down his cigarette, stamps it out, then walks over to LUKE and stands towering over her. LUKE looks up angrily. Camera jerks about before eventually settling - sort of - on LUKE's face.

LUKE:
You tracked me... to Coruscant? [She pronounces it "Koruskant"]

VADER:
Luke! Join me and rule the galaxy together! It is as foretold in the ancient Scrolls of the Prophet Cassius!

LUKE:
Frak you, Vader. You killed my frakkin' father, you bastard!

VADER:
DON'T -- frakkin' -- well -- frakk with me, Luke. I'm reaching out to you here, do you understand?

Camera cuts back to LUKE. Now JERRY "OBI-WAN" KENOBI is standing behind Luke, but is visible to LUKE only. OBI-WAN is a well-preserved Latino man in his 50s wearing a tuxedo, white gloves, and a red rose in his buttonhole. His hair is neatly brillcreemed in a duck's tail. OBI-WAN bends behind LUKE's head and whispers in her ear:

OBI-WAN:
Oh, come on now, Luke, surely he can do better than that, can't he? Don't let him fool you again. Show him what you're made of.

LUKE:
You're damn right! Frak him!

Camera returns to VADER's point of view, ie we see LUKE but not OBI-WAN.

VADER:
Who the frak you talking to?

LUKE:
None of your frakkin' business, you frakkin frakker! Frak you!

VADER reaches under his trenchcoat and brandishes a samurai sword.

VADER:
It is obvious that this cannot be settled by our knowledge of the Scrolls, but only by our skill with the sabre.

LUKE:
I'm ready for you!

LUKE jumps up and produces a fencing epee from her briefcase. Other students, squealing in alarm, scramble out of their way. VADER snaps his fingers and a dozen IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS (wearing white T-shirts, white cargo-pants and white go-go boots, with white plastic bike-helmets on their heads) march into the cafeteria, pointing Uzis at LUKE...

* * * * *

SCENE 2: The same cafeteria, two hours later.

GREG GREEDO points a Glock at SOLO.

GREEDO:
Captain Solo?

SOLO:
That is my call-sign, yes.

GREEDO:
Please state your full legal name for the record before I pop three rusty caps in yo'ass.

SOLO:
Han Albert Wentworth Massingham.

GREEDO:
Thank you.

(Begins pulling trigger but then CHEWTOBACCO thrashes him across the neck with a clock of 2 by 4 wood).

SOLO:
Just in time there, Chewie.

CHEWTOBACCO:
Honorable Wookiee take great pleasure in rescue most esteemed Captain.

TO BE CONTINUED [BUT NOT NEXT WEEK BECAUSE CHANNEL TEN IN ITS INFINITE WISDOM HAS FILLED THIS COVETED TIME-SLOT WITH ITS SMASH HIT NEW SPECIAL 'CELEBRITIES FEEDING MILK TO BABY GOATS"]

Further scripting suggestions are invited. Any that amount to no more than thinly-disguised parodies of the Reformation, however, shall be disallowed.

PS: Ouch!

"Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty has clinched a public vote to win "Celebrity Big Brother" after her treatment on the British television show sparked an international row amid fears of racist bullying... US singer Jermaine Jackson, older brother of Michael Jackson, came second followed by actor Dirk Benedict, who starred in the 1980s television series The A-Team..."

-- "Indian star wins UK Big Brother show," NineMSN News (Monday 29 January 2007)

That's KnifeThePope's main claim to televisatory fame?

Suspected Cylons (1)

Battlestar Galactica lore teaches that there are 12 Cylon models - but perhaps more may be revealed...

In accordance with prophesy, I therefore offer Roger Federer as a candidate and thus he is now officially "suspect".

Reasons:
1. Never tires
2. Always wins
3. Modest

Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift

Standard Hollywood-style fare in the original report, a stoush between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema's Bob Shaye over The Hobbit

But a few simple tweaks gives us this LOTR themed article, making Jackson a charcater in an even larger drama, with the fate of Middle Earth as its goal...

MINAS MORGAL, Mordor (Orodruin Reporter) -- An escalation in the war of words between Barad-dûr co-chairman Sauron and "Lord of the Rings" filmmaker Peter Jackson appears to be nixing any possible reconciliation between the two -- or any chance that Jackson will direct the trilogy's prequel, "The Hobbit."

In an interview with the Orthanc Channel news service Orthanc Wire, Sauron said Jackson will never make another movie for the studio and said the filmmaker just wants more money.

"I don't care about Peter Jackson anymore," Sauron said. "He wants to have another 100 million or 50 million gold pieces, whatever he's suing us for. He doesn't want to sit down and talk about it. He thinks that we owe him something after we've paid him over a quarter of a billion pieces of gold. ... Cheers, Peter."

In response, Jackson issued a statement Tuesday that did not attack Sauron but aimed at clarifying his issue with Barad-dûr. Jackson said the lawsuit stems from the studio's refusal to account for financial anomalies that surfaced from a partial audit of "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" and that is has denied his repeated requests to audit "The Two Towers" and "The Return of the King."

"Fundamentally, our legal action is about holding Barad-dûr to its contractual obligations and promises," Jackson said. "It is regrettable that Sauron has chosen to make it personal. I have always had the highest respect and affection for Sauron and other senior management at Barad-dûr and continue to do so."

It is as Lileks the Prophet hath prophesied

'... House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave an interview in which she set forth the broad new agenda, just in case martial law is not declared: "The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America's children." Make them wash off the jam first...'

- James Lileks, "After Regime Change, the Party of the National Mom," Newhouse News Service (25 October 2006)

'Nancy Pelosi concluded her speech marking the start of her tenure as the first female speaker of the House of Representatives with an altar call. She invited all of the children brought by members to come to the well of the House and touch her new gavel. The children swarmed to the front in their sweater vests and velvet dresses. It was a fitting gesture to mark not only a change in congressional power but in the over 200- year tradition of white male leadership. Acknowledging her own children, Pelosi thanked them for giving her the support to "go from the kitchen to the Congress." At one point Madame Speaker had five grandchildren hanging from her, one an infant, whom it must be said she wielded on her arm with total ease. (Male politicians look so strange when they kiss the obligatory baby; Pelosi looked like she might do tricks with it.)

'The children clotted the well and tight space between the desks. Only a few of the dozens of kids were going to get to touch that gavel. The proceedings had to move on, which Pelosi gamely made happen even though her grandchildren were trapped by the other congressional spawn who never got their turn. One grandson took it upon himself to try to restore order in the House by banging on her microphone a few times...'

- John Dickerson, "Pelosi's Big Day: Suffer the congressional children," Slate (Thursday 4 January 2007)

Together - we can upgrade the universe

Not to bite the hand that feeds this blog, but I am bemused by part of the blurb for BLOGGER's spiel about upgrading all blogs hereon now that Blogger has been assimilated into Google or somesuch:

"... I am overjoyed to announce that today we have o’ficially [sic] graduated the new version of Blogger from “in beta” to “.” Why is this significant? Allow me to explain via analogy:

Old Blogger = Battlestar Galactica with Lorne Greene

New Blogger = Battlestar Galactica with Edward James Olmos..."

So, uh... Old Blogger had laser beams, state-of-the-art (well, for 1978) computer technology, wriston communicatorons, invisibility cloaks, and even time-travel capability... whereas New Blogger has common-or-garden bullets, telephone handsets with cords, coffee mugs, ashtrays, and greaseboard battle maps?

Not completely convinced that the technological trajectory of BSG 1978-2007 - whatever its improvements in numerous other spheres - is one that Blogger wants to emulate.

Just saying, is all.